there was a certain discomfort that i felt as we all sat there and ate, when i thought of all that you have gone through in your life and still, what cruel cards the heavens had just dealt to you..and yet, i cannot pretend to say that i know of your life extremely well, or claim to be so closely related to you, that i was expected to feel your misery with any intensity...but nevertheless, i did and still do...
there was a bit of confusion in my head too, as i watched you sit there chatting away like it was just another day, laughing and smiling, bringing out trays and trays of food, sweets and drinks for us, just like it was another chinese new year gathering..the only thing different was you..and yes, there were so many of us there, but yet none could perform any miracle for you..
and so perhaps like everyone there, i pretended too, for, with each unspoken word in between all those chattering, your life story was being replayed for all to see..the subtleness of all your regrets, the many unfulfilled hopes and your dreams, the toughness that you so portrayed to hide all your fears and the mysterious unknowns that you will now face as you tread this remaining journey of your life alone..were all expressed in that noisy silence...your now frail movements you hid with a cheery smile..the baldness of your head, you ignored with a most gentle wave of your hand, like a magic wand..the physical pain that the chemo gave to you, you somehow did not show..but i could see it though..
so now in my heart, i can only wish you peace..the kind of calming peace that only the heavens can bestow...in my hands, i can only create a paper crane for you, with wings that will flap as you tug on its tail..and if you hold on tightly to it, rest assured, it will take you to wherever you want to go..
in my mind, i can only replay those happy memories that i have of you..your many many concerns and words of wisdom for this strangely quiet and distant nephew of yours, as i fetched you from your house to stay some weekends at grandma and grandpa's..where we all sat down to enjoy the cacophony of sounds and endless stories coming from you..
and in my spirit..i also know that you are never any less family to me despite tradition that tells us it must be so..
so be brave.. my dear aunt, be strong too for your strength will help carry your sisters and brothers through. i believe you have done enough already for your family just by being you...
..so do allow us all to celebrate this day with you, with nothing but just our love, happiness and warmth that i hope you will always keep with you..
